Hope’s Perspective

Hope Stephenson studied in Social Justice in spring 2007. She graced the class with strong readings from her notebook. The following are some of her reflections on passages from The Book of Mev.

1. Prologue/ Writing I

I remember when I began to read this book. I thought that my professor had just written a biography about some Latin American female activist – probably whom he had never met. I was so shocked to discover that Mev was his wife, an alumna from Saint Louis University, and had tragically passed away from brain cancer in January 1996. As I read I felt my throat stiffen and my eyes moisten as I read about Mev’s mother knitting her daughter’s shroud. I closed the book and cried for a good fifteen minutes. I can distinctly remember by grandmother standing in the hospital room while her daughter lay on her death bed saying through a waterfall of tears, “No mother should have to watch her child die.” So many similar memories flooded back…Mom’s death, the grief and utter sadness from which there seemed to be no end, watching the cancer take over her body while you stand helpless, the eulogy, the funeral and visitations, and the surreal bewilderment of it all. Although I knew this book was going to be an emotional read, I desired to read it all the same. I felt so connected to Dr. Chmiel because of what he had been through and that he was courageous enough to put it all down on paper. I could hardly put the book down once I got the preliminary tears out that would sneak up on me occasionally throughout the pages.

2. Gratitudes/I

I am amazed by Mev’s religious zeal. Her awareness of the gift of life and what it brings to us every day of our lives is inspiring. I wish I would spend as much time reflecting on all of the wonderful things that God has done in my life. It seems to be the best cure for depression. Mev was also so catholic. There are many things about the Catholic Church that I find to be ridiculous and backwards. However, having insight into Mev’s spiritual life gives me a new appreciation for Catholicism and what it does bring to some people. She was so passionate about liberation theology that it made me seek out information on the subject. I hope to read more about it, including Mev’s book, The Struggle is One.

3. Prayer/2

What a rare and precious gift it is to have Mev’s journals. My mom kept a few journals, although she got out of the habit once she had children to look after. When I see her handwriting and read her thoughts, feelings, emotions, dreams, uncertainties, secrets, worries, hardships, loves, tragedies, etc. I feel as if I am seeing her through a mandorla, a rip in time and space allowing me to spend time with my Mom. I feel better– knowing that she was not perfect. The person she was when she was first married and who she was with three kids were very different. I feel this same comfort from Mev’s journal entry here. I feel as if I know her just by reading her writing. She was not perfect and she struggled in her relationship with God, just as we all do. Chapters like this make the book aptly named. This is not a Book about Mev, it’s the Book of Mev.

4. The Gospel According to Ann (The Human Form Divine/3)

Mev was so caring and passionate about service and social justice. Her interviews are so enlightening. Ann Manganaro was the same. The story she had about the horrors of living in a war zone in El Salvador was so sad and terrifying. Massacres, refugees, battles, gun-shots, civilians killed, etc. are all nightmares going on “meanwhile, elsewhere in the world.” Ann worried about “loosing her human vulnerability” and becoming aloof. Her dedication to living life among the poor and experiencing tragedy as a result shows how she takes God’s love to heart and had such strong faith (although she had struggled with it at times.) Ann lived a hard life in El Salvador but the courage and conviction she had provided her with hope, love, and sense of God in the world. She said, “I know God is trusting that if I keep trying to give my life for others, that somehow God is being born in that.” She inspires me to serve more, live out my faith more directly, and know that God is present.

5. Facing the Facts/2

I don’t know how I got through this chapter. It must have taken me 30 minutes to read it. I see so much of my Mom’s struggle in Mev’s. I read her words and is sounds like my Mom is saying them. Did my Mom ever want to Smack a pillow? Did she feel the same anger, pain, fear, abandonment, frustration, terror, joy, and solitude? I think she did. This chapter was so powerful to me. How are we supposed to face death when we can see it only a few yards in front of us? How did my Mom go on knowing that the end was so near? Why didn’t she tell us? Why couldn’t she tell us? I feel the same frustration. How do you sort out all of the feelings? So many questions. Mev was so real. My Mom never let me see her truly. To me, she was not real like Mev was. She hid her true self from me and it makes me angry. She couldn’t even tell me the truth about how sick she was. I know she tried to protect me, but I found out on a Thursday night that she would not live through the weekend. SMACK! Only I am the pillow. It beat the shit out of me. How elusive the joy is – when it comes. I suppose it is a saving grace. I am so in tune with this book it is frightening. The mere exposure of Mark and Mev’s souls feels like mine is being dragged out and left standing in the rain uncovered.

6. God/3

This also reminds me of my Mom. She never told us how sick she was, only my Dad knew. Maybe this gave her the ability to think, “Why not me?” She never complained, not once. She was tired, bald, everything she ate tasted like metal (a result of the chemo), burned, deformed, pale, and poked with countless needles, and so much more. Through it all, she never complained. Mev was so conscious of life and how it was lived not only in America, but in Haiti, El Salvador, and Brazil. She was so aware of everyone else’s suffering that hers did not matter as much. I never asked “How could God let this happen? Why her?” I guess my faith was stronger. Maybe I am confident in His divine providence. I feel that God knows what is best and that things happen for reasons that we cannot see. Mev might have felt the same way.

7. Sitting/2

Don’t think about the future. I could read this chapter every day of my life and it sill won’t sink in. Maybe it is because I am in College and we’re always looking forward. I am in the middle of this semester and I’m already excited about what classes I’ll take in the fall – I need to enjoy the classes I have now! How often do I loose precious moments by ignoring them for the unknown future? How much of my life to I miss? When I try to sit and meditate or reflect, I find myself thinking about all of the things I have to do. Rarely to I sit still in solitude and live out the meaning of a gatha. I sometimes live by the mantra, “Don’t just sit there, do something!” I often feel guilty when I don’t get things done. Nhat Hanh says that if we take time to stop and think, we’ll see more clearly. I wish I could see more clearly – I have so many doubts and curiosities. Happiness is attainable now – I must practice this!

8. Lamentation

How much courage it took Dr. Chmiel to write this! I have been there…the uncontrollable loss of self. All my reactions were involuntary. I could have drowned in my tears, but they would not stop. I was all alone and no angel could provide solace. I was 18 and I would never see my Mom again. I have also swum in the muck and mud of reality and cried myself to sleep. When I called people upset, they all said, “You know Mom would not want you to be so upset.” How the fuck was that supposed to help?! If only someone had recognized my grief and said, “There is just no comfort for you tonight.” I was justified in my sadness and everyone just seemed to tell me that I was overreacting. I am so thankful for this book and for the experiences that Dr. Chmiel has shared with me. There is no comfort sometimes. Finally, affirmation!