Accompaniment/333

Last semester, I had the pleasure of having Kristin Swanson in my Social Justice class. She spent her insertion being at Karen House, and shared with me the following appreciation of her time at 1840 Hogan Street. (Passages in quotation marks are excerpts from the journal Kristin kept during the semester.)

Nothing is more practical than finding God,
that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way.
what you are in love with, what seizes your imagination,
will affect everything.
It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends,
what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything

– Pedro Arrupe, S.J.

Nothing is more practical than finding God,

a God that is beautiful. God who is a community, each person pulling their own weight and adding their own experiences. Each person loving you fully, with hardly any reason, for of course you’ve only just met. God that shows herself in the begging questions of men at the door, “Could I have some sandwiches please?” and in the struggle of trying to say: “Yes, but I want to give you so much more.”

The practically of God is found in the fight for peace, in the community, and in the world. Where else do we turn when we are beat-up and broken? Is there anywhere else to turn? We have no answers, and so we look towards God, towards this community.

God is found in the laughter of children, sharp and bright; striking your ears each morning and singing you to sleep at night.

God is found in a hug from a small woman in a wheelchair who means with sincerity when she says “I love you. You’re so bright.”

God is found in the in-between. In the messes and the decaying flowers in the dining room. In the screaming and the tears. In the 18th and 19th sandwiches. In the hugs and kisses, even when they are slobbery. In the smoke of a cigarette. In the strong cup of coffee shared with a new friend.

That is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way.

Falling in love with the children when you walk in the door. With the men and women who pass through the doors each day, carrying bags of clothes or food for dinner. They are in love with what I am in love with; community, peace, justice, creating a place where it is easier to do good.

Falling in love in a way that keeps you up at night and wakes you up in the morning. Falling in love in a way that makes you happy to be alive; you have found your place.

What you are in love with,

Dancing in the hallway.
Smoking cigarettes on the back porch with Brenda and Lula.
Saying “Sir” and getting a funny glance.
Friday night movie.
Kids hanging off my legs.
Saying goodnight prayers.
The squeaky stairs.
Slipping candy to the kids after dinner.
Listening to Sheena tell me my ass is bigger than a black girls.
Simple dinners.
John.
New apartments.
Dentist appointments.
Peace.
Laughing in the office until I fall out of my chair.
“Coooooooookies!”
Quiet nights that turn into lively mornings.
Sandwiches heated up in the microwave.
Hugs.
The ‘ah-ha!’ that comes after working on math problems for 40 minutes.
Lowercase “I”s.
Quiet giggles.
Talking of the future: bakeries, new Catholic Workers, kids!
Batman costumes.
Not needing to breathe in to calm my body, or out to smile because I know this is a wonderful moment.
(I can feel it in my heart, you know.)

what seizes your imagination,

It takes a big imagination to understand why I even need to be here; why our government cannot do the work it is meant to do. Trying to differentiate between fact and fiction. Trying to understand why my society pushes away such beautiful people, some that just have rough times, and others that have known nothing different.

It takes a big imagination to even begin to comprehend what these women have to go through each day. I decide to come to Karen House, it is a choice. Often, they have none. It takes a big imagination and an even bigger heart to understand and accept the idea that these women are never taught about sexual health or birth control.

“Why do you have seven kids?”

“Because I didn’t know how to stop it. I love them though. I’d also love if I could give them a good life. But I don’t know how to start that.”

will affect everything.

I finish all the food on my plate, every time.
I haven’t bought new clothes for almost two years.
I learn. I speak.
My education is no longer a means to meet an end.
I fight against injustice.
I cry. Almost every day.
And I don’t even want to.
I want to have kids more than any other thing in my life. Thank you Julie.
I have learned to thrive in community. And how to get through those times when it’s hard to do it.
I am in love. With an amazing man.
I am striving towards peace.
I always smell food before eating it, no matter where I am.
Fashion and hairstyles take second place to open ears and a strong smile.
I breathe now. And I take time to.
I have no idea what my future holds, but it’s looking pretty bright.
I read and read and read. There is never enough knowledge.
Hello Social Security! I now know who you are!
Neighborhood projects and government lack; working against oppression and for a better world.
Work slowly. So slowly. There is only today. Only one person and conversation. Change; it will happen.
Huge campaigns and movements mean nothing to me unless they are experienced through personal relationship. I want to know you, change you, fall in love with you.

It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning,

Even when it’s hard to get out of bed after a long house shift the night before where everything went wrong and you didn’t answer any questions right.

“A woman called and I answered and she was wondering if we were full (yes). And I asked if she needed more numbers (yes) and I gave them to her. But I didn’t ask if she was fleeing an abusive situation. And it makes me sick because what if she was and I didn’t give her the right numbers and she was stuck? It’s times like last night that make me feel like I have absolutely nothing to give.”

I wake up and try harder.

what you do with your evenings,

“We watched a movie tonight, Shrek the Third. I didn’t see any of the film, I was too caught up in the giggles of the two little kids and DeAnshay telling me that I was a grandmother because I knit. I was a little offended but she soon followed up with “but you’d be a cool grandmother.” I wonder why children always have the right things to say. Or maybe they don’t and it’s just their smooshy faces and bright eyes that allow all words to pass with no question.”

how you spend your weekends,

food runs and good conversations,
the free coffee at Trader Joe’s,
trips to the zoo, screaming about monkeys and rolling down grassy hills,
early mornings at church then back to the house to play card games,
late late nights in the community room,
wine/gratitude meditation,
sleepy kisses,
painting rooms in a new apartment full of promise and hard work,
peace rallies in Chicago, Georgia
“I wonder what this is for, what good this is doing. Is this self-righteous to be around thousands of people who feel the same way? Whose heart and mind am I changing?…”
Thinking and thinking and thinking,
Realizing that it all comes back to community; who you are, what you do, is so much better when there are people to share it with. Even in the struggles; they are shared and still tough, but oh so comfortable. There are others who are feeling with you, beating with you, breathing with you, crying with you, laughing and smiling with you.

what you read,

There are too many books to list. Too many beautiful thoughts that were read at the perfect moment. Too many lessons to be learned.

I could spend all day reading.

Reading my writings and crossing out and rewriting and listing and laughing at my mistakes, at the lessons that I have learned and had the courage to write down in the hopes of remembering:

May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.

who you know,

Megan, Katie, Sheena, Jerriona, Jerrika, Teka, Annjie, Jenny, Mark, Rob, Forest, Elizabeth, John, Tim, Tony, Beth, Julie, Mia, Jessica, Tara, baby after baby after baby, Erika, Brenda, Lula, Christy, Jeff; Jude, Nicholas, Lainey, Libby, Chan Khong, my mother, John N., Danielle, Shades, Midnight, Tommy, Heather, Sarah, Carolyn, Fin, Ghana, Julie; Luna, Sara, Becca, Dorothy Day, Magnolia, Max, Tyler.

what breaks your heart,

“I am wondering, as I have been lately, what stops a movement of people. 10,000 people are here. They feel the same way, why can’t change happen? What is stopping it? Politics, money? I don’t know. It is so draining. I understand that struggle needs to happen, that change takes time, but I don’t get why it has to take so long. Is our world really that terrible? I look at people like Jim Allen, one of the “elders” in my peace community (as I like to call them), and I wonder how let down he must feel. How defeated. I look at myself and my ideals for myself and my life and I can see (although sometimes with great effort) hope and change and perhaps a world where violence is not the rule. But didn’t they imagine that too? Didn’t they hope that when they were old and grey they would have made a change? And look at it. It’s more fucked up than ever.”

I don’t want to give you only sandwiches. I hate it. I want to give you a good meal that is hot and fresh and free.

“I am not able to reach deeper into myself. Not now. I am giving literally all that I can. My heart is breaking and tears are streaming down my face. It is not enough. I cannot do it alone. I will not do it alone.”

I didn’t even know you Dan. I still don’t know you. I won’t ever know you they way your wife does, or best friend, or community. It breaks my heart. All you did was live; live simply and intentionally, and in a way that helped you help others are much as yourself. It is amazing. As I write these words, my throat is getting tight and that knot in my stomach is growing; the one that is there for you, whenever I hear your name, it makes me want to throw up. I do not understand violence. Your death has not made it one bit easier either.

what amazes you with joy and gratitude,

A smile.
A smile after a hug.
A smile after a kiss.
A smile after lifting your wheelchair up in the hallway, thrill-ride style.
A smile after a bag of sandwiches.
A smile after bringing you the third plate of dessert.
A smile after getting you toilet paper. (I hate how there is never any around, too!)
A smile across the dinner table. CoCo’s food isn’t very good is it? I know that’s what you’re laughing about.
A smile.
Give me nothing more.

Fall in love,

With simplicity. It is so easy to love everyone, everything here. I am not only falling, but plummeting at full speed. I don’t even care where I land.

stay in love,

Love is given to you, it is not learned.

I have learned that love will take you through storms and terrors, but it will stand by you and stay strong.

And it will decide everything…