Liz Toecker’s Commonplace Book reflections

Liz took Social Justice in the fall of 2006 and had the following thoughts about some passages from The Book of Mev.

1. “Seeing the World/2”, p.57

“The definition of ‘mystical’ aptly describes my experience of photography: spiritually significant or symbolic, based on intuition, contemplation, or meditation; mysterious enigmatic. Often in picture-taking, intuition mysteriously overpowers my other senses…taking and viewing pictures are opportunities to engage, step back, and reflect on the facets of our world. The photographic image is evocative, dynamic, fluid-always unfinished.”

I relate to the photography aspect of Mev’s life. I love to take pictures- although it’s something I have only recently discovered about myself. In Europe there were just so many beautiful things, I couldn’t stop myself from capturing it all. I feel that if I had been introduced to it earlier, I would have wanted to be a photojournalist. But now, it’s only a hobby. I love the passion in Mev’s words at this point of the book. I can feel her enthusiasm, curiosity, wonderment at the art of photography. And these are all emotions that I feel when taking pictures myself. But also, I feel these when I look at Mev’s pictures. Enthusiasm because they make me want to invest more in photography. Curiosity of what Mev felt when she took the picture and why she chose that subject. Wonderment at the skill of the picture, at the social commentary captured in it. Mev makes a statement in every picture and what I love is that you are free to wonder at what she wanted to say. You many find something she didn’t intend but it was there all the same. Like all art, photography evokes different reactions in different people. Mev’s photos seem to evoke strong reactions in everyone because her passion is felt through her work.

2. “Love Letter/1”, p. 48

“I love you, Mark. I don’t always feel like saying that. I don’t always “feel” that. But t is true for me to write it right now. You are a beautiful human being. You, too, give me cause for reverence, awe, gratitude, silence. I look forward with patience to being with you more…Odd, Mark, I don’t feel swept away..whatever it is I wonder if you sense it and if it hurts you. While it is a curious thing for me, it is also inexplicably healthy.”

I love this whole love letter to Mark. How honest Mev is. I have felt the same feelings about others, but I have never expressed them for fear of hurting them with my doubts. But Mev looks on this as healthy. Sometimes for me it is a torrent of rushing, happy, passion-filled feelings. Sometimes it is great doubt and a look back to previous relationships and an imagining of future relationships. Sometimes it is a fear of committing myself, of hurting others, of them hurting me. Mev is honest about these feelings. Sometimes it is one way or another. But what I get from this love letter is that it is important to say I love you. And it’s okay to be uncertain or cramped or scared and admit it other times. How honest. And how wise.

3. “Peril”, p.245

“I belong to Chomsky”.

The sentence that discovered Mev’s malignant brain tumor. The irony that Mark found out when his hero Noam Chomsky was visiting. The fear. The uncertainty. The craziness. The confusion. The oddness. I think of all of this is in that sentence Mev uttered again and again and again. It all happened so very fast. The very next day after the ophthalmologist appointment. Then the neurologist. The lesions. The shaved head. The deblocking surgery. 6-9 months. Radiation and Mevatron. I really can only think of this in fragments, photo stills. How fast can life change- in one day, in one sentence.

4. “Facing the Facts/4”, p. 303

“Hardly had we finished this when a neighbor came over. She sat down on the floor and was happy as usual to be there. Mark asked me to repeat what I had just told him. Mev agreed. When I did so, the neighbor was shocked and said, “Marian, you can’t expect us all to be ready at this point. A lot of us aren’t ready to let Mev go.” I glanced at Mev and spoke for her saying, “It is Mev’s life we are talking about. It is unfair to ask her to wait until everyone is ready to let her go. We are the ones who need to make our adjustment, not Mev.”
I think that to accept someone’s death, or that someone is going to die, is a gift. To have that attitude of acceptance is a rare and peaceful thing. I have never been in such a situation, but my mother faces death on a daily basis among her patients. She used this experience when Kathy, a very old, close friend, died on cancer. Mom was in California with dad on a special, marriage-renewing trip when it happened. She didn’t make it home for the funeral. She had a hard time deciding, but eventually she believed she has made the right decision and she had Kathy’s blessing. Mom was there for all of Kathy’s friends as executor of the will and as a source of advice and comfort. She told me that you have to let people go. To make them hold on, to make them experience your own pain at the loss of them, is selfish. Death is not about us. What we will lose. It is about what those who are dying will gain.

5. “Community/5”, p.322

“I was on the lookout for pallbearers. It had occurred to me to ask eight women to assume this traditionally strong male role…they all humbly and kindly welcomed this as a privilege. But it was each of them who has graced Mev and me in one way or another”.

What a way to make a Mev-like statement, even at her funeral. I like that women were chosen to carry the casket. It makes me think of my own funeral- not in a morbid way, just curious. Who would carry my casket? Probably by best guy friends from HS- Ryan, Tyler, Vaughn, Luke, Pete, Charlie. Mark? My brother? Joe? I do know that “On Angel’s Wings” would have to be played. It would make Mom bawl. Definitely at St. Stephen’s. I love that church. I would want that recollection things that happens at wakes. Funny stories. I would most certainly want a collage like Mev. Would it be crowded? Maybe an itunes mix of the soundtrack of my life.

I can’t imagine knowing that I was dying and planning a funeral. I would definitely want to attend, if possible, to see who would be there and what people would say. Strange to think of your own funeral and your own mortality. Something we don’t do much in our society. Scares me a little.

6. “Accompaniment/6”
“She kindly helped me lose some of my vast ignorance and inexperience: she instructed me in answering the phone (“Are there this many homeless people in St. Louis?”), getting guests their medicines (“What’s this drug for?”), giving out sandwiches to the men and women in the neighborhood…(“You don’t like bologna? You’re a Black Muslim? Ok, peanut butter and jelly it is.”), playing with the kids (“Sure I’ll pick you up”), breaking up scuffles (“You bitches have someone to look after you, what about me?), accepting donations (“thanks for the sweaters” in may), making sure the guests do their chores, (“Um, you think you’ll get to sweeping the floors today?”), and simply listening to takes of triumph and woe.”

This is a perfect portrayal of Karen house. There are always so many things going on all at the same time. I can’t imagine living there. When I come home from Karen house, there is this feeling of just leaving a raging storm. There is something about it that is both depressing and uplifting; something that makes me cheerful and despondent. I leave there upset sometimes, frustrated others, laughing at times, and usually sticky. I love the children, even though they drive me crazy. What makes me sad is when I am with them around other young children and the benefits of a stable home and money and better education are readily apparent. But there is no gap between them and me or them and others. We are all the same. And when I can remember this, when I can open my head to the lessons that I can learn from the mothers and the children, that’s when I leave happy, thoughtful, reflective. What else can I do to make things better for them? What else can I do to make things better in the world in general? If one little, slightly run down, roach and rat invested, old house can make such a difference- well, there’s a world of possibilities out there.