Why I Want to be a Doctor

I asked one of my students last fall, Sandhya, to do a “writing practice” on the topic, “Why I Want to be a Doctor.” This is what she wrote me…

Why I want to be a doctor
I don’t know. Anytime someone asks me this question, I have all this anxiety built up in me and I just get a whirlwind of confusion in my head. My parents’ voices ring inside my head – it will give you security, it is the ultimate form of education, you can support yourself. I think people keep asking me that on purpose just to fuck me up even more. I’m 19 damn it, how am I supposed to know?

I’m not going to find my passion for life’s purpose now. All I know is I love to learn. I love to grow. I love to change, but always know who I am. I am sandhya. Not Dr. Mudumbi, just sandhya. I want to reach people. I want them to feel comfortable. I want them to feel loved, that there is hope in this world, maybe not in the physical sense, but in my faith for god. I want to tell everyone that it is okay. There is no reason to worry. I want to give them the peace and rest that I can’t allow myself to have. I want to maybe control the little amount of happiness that is under my control. I want to hug people, embrace them with warmth. It is okay. Let me tell you it is okay. Close your eyes. I want to help someone change with love. Why is there hate? Why can’t we all just love? Simply that.

It’s like I’m sure everyone wants a better world, but why doesn’t it happen and how can we make it happen? I don’t want to be called a doctor. I want to be called Sandhya the warm medicine woman who likes to smile and hug people. Maybe I can be a liberation doctor. Maybe one day my dreams of Africa, Brazil, El Salvador, India, connecting with strangers will come true. Perhaps one day. I wonder if they are in need of medical people in Palestine. I need to open my eyes. It’s like this increasing sense of urgency that I feel every day when I think of helping people. I just can’t get myself to do it. I don’t know if it is a fear or a strange anxiety. I am needed somewhere in this world. I will be called to a purpose – maybe as a good mother and wife, maybe as a doctor without borders, maybe as a musical healer. I wonder if I could heal with dance. I don’t know why I want to be a doctor yet and I don’t know if I will ever know.